滿分GRE寫作范文賞析分享（五）

GRE的寫作是中國考生最不容易得到滿分的部分，究其原因是因?yàn)榇蠹业乃悸泛湍刚Z學(xué)習(xí)者不同。留學(xué)監(jiān)理網(wǎng)的老師就給大家找到了一些文章來幫助大家進(jìn)行GRE考前的寫作訓(xùn)練。

【題目】

The following appeared in a memorandum from a dean at Omega University.

“Fifteen years ago, Omega University implemented a new procedure that encouraged students to evaluate the teaching effectiveness of all their professors. Since that time, Omega professors have begun to assign higher grades in their classes, and overall student grade averages at Omega have risen by thirty percent. Potential employers apparently believe the grades at Omega are inflated; this would explain why Omega graduates have not been as successful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University. To enable its graduates to secure better jobs, Omega University should now terminate student evaluation of professors.”

【滿分范文賞析】

【第一段】

In this memo Omega University’s dean points out that Omega graduates are less successful in getting jobs than Alpha University graduates, despite the fact that during the past 15 years the overall grade average of Omega students has risen by 30%. The dean indicates that during the past 15 years Omega has encouraged its studentsto evaluate the effectiveness of their professors. The dean reasons that student evaluations led professors to increase grades, which has, in turn, created a perception among employers that the grades of Omega graduates are not actually representative of their real quality. The dean concludes that to enable Omega graduates enjoy better job placement, the university must terminate its professor-evaluation procedure. This argument is unconvincing because it contains several flaws in logic.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的Argument開頭段結(jié)構(gòu)，即C—E—F的開頭結(jié)構(gòu)。段落首先概括原文的Conclusion，接下來概括原文為支持其結(jié)論所引用的一系列Evidence，最后給出開頭段到正文段的過渡句，指出原文在邏輯上含有多處Flaw。

【本段功能】

本段作為Argument開頭段，具體功能就在于發(fā)起攻擊并概括原文的結(jié)論，即：為了讓其畢業(yè)生獲得更好的工作，Omega大學(xué)應(yīng)該現(xiàn)在停止學(xué)生評估教授的程序。本段分布列舉了原文為支持其結(jié)論所引用的證據(jù)——盡管在過去15年內(nèi)Omega學(xué)生的總平均成績提高了30%，Omega大學(xué)的畢業(yè)生在就業(yè)時(shí)不如Alpha大學(xué)的畢業(yè)生成功、學(xué)生對教授的評估導(dǎo)致教授提高成績，進(jìn)而使雇主們產(chǎn)生Omega畢業(yè)生的成績不能代表他們的真實(shí)品質(zhì)這一印象等等。這些信息的歸納為正文段中即將進(jìn)行的具體攻擊作鋪墊。

【第二段】

One problem with the argument is that the current evaluation process is not a mandatory one and the deandoesn’t state how many people participated. The dean provides no evidence about the number of students or percentage of the study body who participate in the procedure. Without such evidence,drawing a link between the evaluation of professors and their grading trends is not possible. Without such a link, an audience cannot be expected to accept that the termination of the above-mentioned evaluation would, in fact, have any effect on grading.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的Argument正文段結(jié)構(gòu)，即：概括第一個(gè)邏輯錯(cuò)誤的錯(cuò)誤類型和其在原文中出現(xiàn)的位置，接下來給出合理的理由和他因來反駁原文。

【本段功能】

本段作為正文第一段，攻擊原文中出現(xiàn)的第一個(gè)重要邏輯錯(cuò)誤——調(diào)查類錯(cuò)誤。本段指出學(xué)?，F(xiàn)有的評估過程不是強(qiáng)制性的，院長也沒有說明有多少人參與了調(diào)查。院長沒有對參與這一程序的學(xué)生人數(shù)或在學(xué)生群體中所占的百分比提供證據(jù)。如果沒有這樣的證據(jù)，是不可能建立學(xué)生對教授的評估和教授的評分趨勢之間的聯(lián)系的。如果沒有如此聯(lián)系，不能指望觀眾接受學(xué)生對教授的評估的終止將對教授的評分產(chǎn)生任何影響這一論斷。

【第三段】

The argument is based on the assumption that the grade-average increase is somehow related to the evaluation procedurerather than some other phenomenon. The dean ignores a host of other possible explanations for the increase. For example, a trend at Omega toward higher admission standards, or higher quality instruction or facilities could have produced the increased grades. Without ruling out this or other possible explanations for the grade-average increase, the dean cannot expect to convince an audience that by terminating the evaluation procedure Omega would curb its perceived grade inflation, let alone help its graduates get jobs.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的Argument正文段結(jié)構(gòu)，即：概括第二個(gè)邏輯錯(cuò)誤的錯(cuò)誤類型和其在原文中出現(xiàn)的位置，接下來給出合理的理由和他因來反駁原文。

【本段功能】

本段作為正文第二段，攻擊原文中出現(xiàn)的第二個(gè)重要邏輯錯(cuò)誤——忽略他因。原文假設(shè)平均成績的提升是以某種方式和評估的程序而不是某種其它的現(xiàn)象聯(lián)系起來的。院長忽視了諸多對于這一成績提升的其它可能解釋。例如，Omega錄取學(xué)生標(biāo)準(zhǔn)提高的趨勢或高質(zhì)量的教學(xué)和設(shè)施均可能導(dǎo)致了成績的提升。本段最后指出：院長在沒有排除這些其它可能導(dǎo)致平均成績提升的解釋之前，是不能指望說服觀眾Omega大學(xué)停止其評估程序?qū)⒁种破涑煽兺洠挥锰釋椭洚厴I(yè)生找到工作了。

【第四段】

Even if the evaluation procedure has resulted in grade inflation at Omega, the dean’s claim that grade inflation explains why Omega graduates are less successful than Alpha graduates in getting jobs is unjustified. The dean overlooks a myriad of other possible reasons for Omega’s comparatively poor job-placement record. Perhaps Omega’s career services are inadequate.Perhaps Omega’s curriculum does not prepare students for the job market as effectively as Alpha’s. In short, without the true results of a comparative analysis, there is no way we can determine that this is why graduates have been less successfully placed.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的Argument正文段結(jié)構(gòu)，即：概括第三個(gè)邏輯錯(cuò)誤的錯(cuò)誤類型和其在原文中出現(xiàn)的位置，接下來給出合理的理由和他因來反駁原文。

【本段功能】

本段作為正文第三段，攻擊原文中出現(xiàn)的第三個(gè)重要邏輯錯(cuò)誤——忽略他因。即使評估程序?qū)е铝薕mega學(xué)生的成績通脹，院長關(guān)于為什么Omega的畢業(yè)生在就業(yè)時(shí)沒有Alpha的畢業(yè)生成功的論斷也不能被證明正確。院長忽視了種種其它可能導(dǎo)致Omega就業(yè)情況記錄較差的原因?；蛟SOmega的職業(yè)服務(wù)不適當(dāng)，或許Omega的課程不能像Alpha的課程那樣有效地為學(xué)生們的就業(yè)做準(zhǔn)備。本段最后指出：如果沒有一個(gè)比較分析的真實(shí)結(jié)果，我們無從決定這就是畢業(yè)生就業(yè)并不成功的理由。

【第五段】

Even if the dean can prove the assumptions, his assertion that Omega must terminate its evaluation procedure to enable its graduates to find better jobs is still unwarranted. First, the dean ignores other ways that Omega could potentially increase its job-placement record. For example, by improving its public relations or career-counseling services, the university may be able to gain a better reputation and deliver better potential employees. Second, the dean seems to equate “more” jobs with “better” jobs—there is no analysis of the jobs that Alpha graduates were placed in. In other words, even if more Omega graduates were able to find jobs as a result of the dean’s recommended course of action, the kinds of jobs Omega graduates find would not necessarily be better ones.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的Argument正文段結(jié)構(gòu)，即：概括第四個(gè)邏輯錯(cuò)誤的錯(cuò)誤類型和其在原文中出現(xiàn)的位置，接下來給出合理的理由和他因來反駁原文。

【本段功能】

本段作為正文第四段，攻擊原文中出現(xiàn)的第四個(gè)重要邏輯錯(cuò)誤——因果類錯(cuò)誤。即使院長能夠證實(shí)前述假設(shè)，他關(guān)于Omega必須停止其評估程序以使其畢業(yè)生找到更好的工作的斷言依然是無根據(jù)的。首先，院長忽視了Omega可以潛在地提高其就業(yè)記錄的方式，例如改善其公共關(guān)系或職業(yè)咨詢服務(wù)等。其次，院長似乎將“更多的”工作和“更好的”工作劃等號(hào)，也沒有對Alpha的畢業(yè)生所處的工作進(jìn)行分析。換而言之，即使院長所建議的行動(dòng)促使更多的Omega畢業(yè)生能夠找到工作，他們所找到的工作的種類也并不一定是更好的。

【第六段】

In sum, the dean’s argument is not persuasive. To strengthen the argument, the dean must provide a clear link between grade average, the professor-evaluation procedure and employer perception. Evidence that might establish this link could include: the percentage of Omega students participating in the evaluation procedure, Omega’s admission standards and quality of education, and Omega’s emphasis on job training and career preparation.

【本段結(jié)構(gòu)】

本段采用了標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的Argument結(jié)尾段結(jié)構(gòu)，即C—S的結(jié)尾結(jié)構(gòu)。段落首先再次重申原文站不住腳的Conclusion，接下來給出可以增強(qiáng)原文說服力的合理的Suggestion，包括原文作者需要進(jìn)一步提供的證據(jù)和信息等。

【本段功能】

本段作為Argument結(jié)尾段，具體功能即為總結(jié)歸納+提出建議。段落首先再次重申強(qiáng)調(diào)Argument作者的論證不合理，接下來給出合理的建議：院長必須在平均成績、教授評估程序、和雇主印象之間建立清晰的聯(lián)系。可建立這一聯(lián)系的證據(jù)包括：參與評估程序的Omega學(xué)生的百分比、Omega的錄取標(biāo)準(zhǔn)和教育質(zhì)量、以及Omega在對學(xué)生的工作訓(xùn)練和職業(yè)準(zhǔn)備上的強(qiáng)調(diào)。不難發(fā)現(xiàn)，結(jié)尾段總結(jié)提出的建議非常規(guī)整地與正文各段中依次攻擊的錯(cuò)誤遙相呼應(yīng)，使全篇文章顯得渾然一體。

【滿分要素剖析】

【語言表達(dá)】

本文的語言使用規(guī)范、清晰，詞匯也用得準(zhǔn)確地道，并使用多變的句式讓考官讀起來津津有味，這些都是GRE寫作官方的語言要求。同時(shí)，文章的結(jié)構(gòu)型語言和內(nèi)容型語言相得益彰，結(jié)構(gòu)是骨架，內(nèi)容是血肉，二者完美結(jié)合。

1) In this memo … points out that …. The dean indicates that ….The dean reasons that ….(引出原文為支持其結(jié)論所引用的一系列的荒謬論據(jù)。)The dean concludes that ….(標(biāo)志性的Argument開頭段引出原文結(jié)論的語言表達(dá)形式。)This argument is unconvincing because it contains several flaws in logic.(標(biāo)志性的指出文章錯(cuò)誤的語言表達(dá)。整體開頭段是標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的C—E—F的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

2) One problem with the argument is that … and the dean doesn’t state …. The dean provides no evidence about …. Without such evidence, drawing a link between … and … is not possible. Without such a link, an audience cannot be expected to accept that ….(標(biāo)志性的調(diào)查類錯(cuò)誤的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

3) The argument is based on the assumption that … is somehow related to … rather than some other phenomenon. The dean ignores a host of other possible explanations for …. For example, …. Without ruling out this or other possible explanations for …, the dean cannot expect to convince an audience that ….(標(biāo)志性的忽略他因錯(cuò)誤的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

4) Even if …, the dean’s claim that … is unjustified. The dean overlooks a myriad of other possible reasons for …. Perhaps …. Perhaps …. In short, without the true results of a comparative analysis, there is no way we can determine that this is why ….(標(biāo)志性的忽略他因錯(cuò)誤的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

5) Even if the dean can prove the assumptions, his assertion that … is still unwarranted. First, the dean ignores other ways that … could …. For example, …. Second, the dean seems to equate … with … —there is no analysis of …. In other words, even if … as a result of the dean’s recommended course of action, ….(標(biāo)志性的因果類錯(cuò)誤的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

6) In sum, the dean’s argument is not persuasive. To strengthen the argument, the dean must provide a clear link between …. Evidence that might establish this link could include: ….(標(biāo)志性的Argument結(jié)尾段的Conclusion—Suggestion體系的語言和邏輯模版體系。)

【邏輯結(jié)構(gòu)】

本文的寫作體現(xiàn)出了非常嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)?shù)拈_頭段—正文段1、2、3、4—結(jié)尾段的邏輯體系：

(開頭段)In this memo … points out that ….

(正文段1)One problem with the argument is that ….

(正文段2)The argument is based on the assumption that … is somehow related to … rather than some other phenomenon.

(正文段3)Even if …, the dean’s claim that … is unjustified.

(正文段4)Even if the dean can prove the assumptions, his assertion that … is still unwarranted.

(結(jié)尾段)In sum, the dean’s argument is not persuasive.

特別值得一提的是本文正文第四段的寫作。該段首先通過Even if the dean can prove the assumptions, his assertion that Omega must terminate its evaluation procedure to enable its graduates to find better jobs is still unwarranted.一句嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)?shù)刂赋鲈闹谐霈F(xiàn)的因果類錯(cuò)誤。接下來，段落通過First, the dean ignores other ways that Omega could potentially increase its job-placement record. For example, by improving its public relations or career-counseling services, the university may be able to gain a better reputation and deliver better potential employees. Second, the dean seems to equate “more” jobs with “better” jobs—there is no analysis of the jobs that Alpha graduates were placed in. In other words, even if more Omega graduates were able to find jobs as a result of the dean’s recommended course of action, the kinds of jobs Omega graduates find would not necessarily be better ones.遞進(jìn)地對該錯(cuò)誤進(jìn)行深入分析，充分展現(xiàn)出了正文段嚴(yán)密的邏輯思路。

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